WTF!!

One o'clock in the afternoon ..I saw this commercial kids playing outside in the sun .. so now I am sitting here crying .. WHY CAN'T I HAVE MEMORIES LIKE THAT!!

Yesterday I was looking through old photos and now it occurs to me that if my children don't have those memories, it is all my fault. I had a man who loved me and children who, while that weren't perfect, were perfect enough for me!!

Self-realization fucking bites!!!!!!

RAMBLINGS

I had Bella overnight last night .. she brightens my life makes me crazy at the same damn time. We got up at 4 AM this morning .. we did the Hot Dog dance with Mickey and Friends .. and we have long involved conversations where I generally have no idea what we are talking about but she seems very happy .. nough said :))

I'm not sure if it is the weather or the rain or the coming birthdays and the holiday season, but I am feeling very alone. Pisses me off that I keep having these pity parties. I stopped apologizing for all of my mistakes long ago.

Lately I have been watching Rosanne reruns .. sent me back to the days where everybody spent days and days telling me that that was how they imagined my parenting style.

Lately my thoughts have also turned toward the fact that people stay where they are not happy or even running back to the same old same old .. I will never understand it. Rationally I realize that it is the safe and secure and the fear of the unknown.

Like I said .. utter random thoughts tonight

MY PITY PARTY

There have been some wonderful things lately .. Bella has been here (she is soooo funny) .. Meg has been here (school has started 7th grade and she still loves it).. Y poolKayla and Elijah spent a night with me (we went to the Y pool and had a great time).. Cole and Noah are coming tomorrow night and we are going to the Fall Fest on the Square Saturday .. but .. and it is a huge but ...

They cannot seem to get my pain meds right .. every morning when I try to get out of bed I almost have to crawl and the pai is intense .. the past couple of weeks, my left arm and hand have hurt almost all the time and now it is affecting my right hand .. starting to frighten me a little .. my body itches almost constantly supposedly a manifestation of pain .. and I am exhausted, falling asleep at the drop of a hat .. ok I know .. time to put on my big girl underwear!!

It is affecting my life .. I have barely spoken to my very dear friend Tina and I want to correct that but I need to feel better :(

Another thing is, even though I have all the kids etc., I never thought I would be alone at this time in my life .. I always thought I would be with someone who I could sit with in comfortable silence, having family dinners and holidays, or going places and exploring .. there are soooo many damn things I would take back and change if I could ...

thinking I might be the only oe who would benefit from the thorazine now .. laters all