WTF!!

One o'clock in the afternoon ..I saw this commercial kids playing outside in the sun .. so now I am sitting here crying .. WHY CAN'T I HAVE MEMORIES LIKE THAT!!

Yesterday I was looking through old photos and now it occurs to me that if my children don't have those memories, it is all my fault. I had a man who loved me and children who, while that weren't perfect, were perfect enough for me!!

Self-realization fucking bites!!!!!!

RAMBLINGS

I had Bella overnight last night .. she brightens my life makes me crazy at the same damn time. We got up at 4 AM this morning .. we did the Hot Dog dance with Mickey and Friends .. and we have long involved conversations where I generally have no idea what we are talking about but she seems very happy .. nough said :))

I'm not sure if it is the weather or the rain or the coming birthdays and the holiday season, but I am feeling very alone. Pisses me off that I keep having these pity parties. I stopped apologizing for all of my mistakes long ago.

Lately I have been watching Rosanne reruns .. sent me back to the days where everybody spent days and days telling me that that was how they imagined my parenting style.

Lately my thoughts have also turned toward the fact that people stay where they are not happy or even running back to the same old same old .. I will never understand it. Rationally I realize that it is the safe and secure and the fear of the unknown.

Like I said .. utter random thoughts tonight

MY PITY PARTY

There have been some wonderful things lately .. Bella has been here (she is soooo funny) .. Meg has been here (school has started 7th grade and she still loves it).. Y poolKayla and Elijah spent a night with me (we went to the Y pool and had a great time).. Cole and Noah are coming tomorrow night and we are going to the Fall Fest on the Square Saturday .. but .. and it is a huge but ...

They cannot seem to get my pain meds right .. every morning when I try to get out of bed I almost have to crawl and the pai is intense .. the past couple of weeks, my left arm and hand have hurt almost all the time and now it is affecting my right hand .. starting to frighten me a little .. my body itches almost constantly supposedly a manifestation of pain .. and I am exhausted, falling asleep at the drop of a hat .. ok I know .. time to put on my big girl underwear!!

It is affecting my life .. I have barely spoken to my very dear friend Tina and I want to correct that but I need to feel better :(

Another thing is, even though I have all the kids etc., I never thought I would be alone at this time in my life .. I always thought I would be with someone who I could sit with in comfortable silence, having family dinners and holidays, or going places and exploring .. there are soooo many damn things I would take back and change if I could ...

thinking I might be the only oe who would benefit from the thorazine now .. laters all

UTTER RANDOMNESS

Let's see -- I watched "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" .. was seriously disappointed, the movie was no were near as funny as the television trailers. Actually, the clips the showed for the movie WERE the only funny parts!

Next up was "Dear John" -- I can't say I loved the movie, but I enjoyed it. At one point I was very sure the ending would be predictable -- I was pleasantly surprised at the twist.

OK and here it is, the hands down winner -- "Brothers" .. this movie was utterly and completely compelling!!! I don't want to spoil it for anybody but I will tell you that this is a movie you do not want to miss!!!!!!

KT and Cole stopped on Monday -- he needed a hat he had left here .. when I went downstairs to bring the hat to him, he grabbed me and hugged me like he wasn't gooing to let go. That reminded me all over again how blessed I truly am. I won't say much for, because some people who read this blog don't need to know, but both of them were upbeat and happy!

Yesterday I had my second epidural for pain management .. I was pretty wiped after that and didn't do muchof anything. I'm still sorer than hell today but it is easing up.

Addison and Abigail FINALLY came home today for good. They are having a cook out over there to celebrate .. I couldn't make it but really am hoping to get over there tomorrow. WELCOME HOME GIRLS!!!!!!

Yesterday there was a storm that came through and caused a huge amount of damage in the county -- including virtually destroying the Can Am Speedway .. that is where Gretchen Wilson and others are supposed to be playing in a couple weeks.

Meaghan has been staying with me quite a bit. She is a joy to have around and so creative and bright. I'm hoping that Cole and Noah will be over here soon too. I CANNOT wait for Bella to come home and that I can hang with her as well!!

Well I hope none of you need Thorazine to get through this post .. I know it is pretty boring! KISSES

MEA CULPA

I start right off by apologizing for my lack of posts .. I will make it up, I will!!

Let's jump right in to the second night of the dance recital .. it was amazing!! Meaghan's group did a kick ass routine to a song about bowling .. they were dressed in these costumes that included old style bowling shirts .. it was wonderful. Bella went with me and really enjoyed the show .. after Meg finished and the curtain closed, she cried because her "May May" was gone.

I went down to Boston again with Mary and Meaghan .. went to the Bunker Hill Monument .. couldn't climb the tower, it was closed for renovations . WAH!! We also went to the Cheesecake Factory (50+ kinds!!) and then to ICA (museum) for a very interesting exhibit by a Mexican tattoo artist ... his work was amazing!!!!

The next morning we went out on another whale watch. The weather was beautiful out on the water and did we finally see whales .. oh hell yeah we did. There were 6 or 7 humpback whales all around the boat and diving and swimming under it .. but the most wonderful thing was the calf that surfaced and spouted about 12 feet from where I was standing on the boat!!!!

Bella is away for the month with her father and I really miss her .. she destroys my place when she comes, but that is a small price to pay for all the joy she brings with her!! KT's car has been down so I haven't seen Cole or Noah in about two weeks .. I really miss my convos with Cole and Noah is so kind and loving, they are both a joy to have around.

Lately things are not that good .. I am having a lot of pain, I am way way tired, and the past couple of days, I am finding myself teary eyed and sad. Have no idea what is wrong or why I mn feeling so ineffably sad lately .. at least the pain part may be better after my next appointment at the Pain Clinic.

Thinking that MAYBE I'm the one in need of more Thorazine :(

DANCE DANCE DANCE

"Dancing with the feet is one thing but dancing with the heart is another."

I went to the first night of Meaghan's dance recital tonight. My thoughts varied from moment to moment.

You're never to old to dance and to dream .. that was never more apparent than tonight .. she was at least 65 .. she danced to "We've Got Money" .. was cheered on by her fellow Redhatters .. shook it like she was 24 and was sooooo obviously having the time of her life!!

On the other end of the spectrum were Alexis and Emma .. couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 .. they were adorable!! They also took me back to what I would swear was yesterday when Meg was up on the stage at that same age!

Lawd, where has the time gone. Tonight was she doing her own make up .. was composed and confident on stage .. she i a young lady and a child all at the same time. She already danceswith the Competition Troupe and the travel all over the state and win consistently!!

Her group, of three, including a nice young man who seems to be quite taken by her (LOL), which I will never tell her I noticed, danced to New Shoes and then a bit later to Shake Your Booty. She was kick ass fanfuckintastic!! I am so proud of her .. I love you Meaghan!!!!

FLASH FICTION (AGAIN) AND RANDOMNESS

I never said you were ...
The one who made me afraid of life
The one who was my nightmares
The monster in the closet, under the bed
The one who stole my soul
I never said, but I know

************************************************

I never said you were ...
The one who saved me
The one who fights my demons in the night
The one who puts up with the insanity
The one who is my rock and my strength
I never said, but I know

************************************************

I never said you were ...
The best thing that ever could have happened to me
The miracle I thought I would never live to see happen
The thing that I didn't think I deserved
The brightest star in my sky
I never said, but I know

************************************************

I never said you were ...
The one who always found me no matter what
The one who always covered my ass
The one who laughed and cried with me
The one who raised hell with me
I never said, but I know



The French soccer team was sent home from the World Cup games because they behaved like preschoolers and pitched a tantrum .. there are those will say "what can you expect, they're French" .. WRONG!! .. the answer should be "what can you expect, they're professional athletes" which means they believe they are priviliged and above the law and have no need to follow the norms of society.

Lady Gag made quite a spectacle of herself at a Yankess game .. LMAO .. she didn't want to attract any attention ... got pissed off when everybody was looking at her and snapping photos .. of course NOBODY was supposed to notice that she attended the game in a pair of panties and a bra covered by a barely buttoned Yankees jersey .. OF COURSE NOBODY WAS GOING TO NOTICE OR STARE .. stupid bish!!!!

I quit smoking a few weeks ago and have substituded working out. M W and F I have been walking the treadmill 40 minutes and working the weights for another 40. T and TH I attend water aerobics for an hour .. that is still killing mah ass .. but I am going too add in Zumba at lunch time twice a week on M and F.

I cannot tell y'all how much I enjoy my weekends when the kids come too stay and we go swimming .. I am truly blessed with my grands .. each and every one of them!!!!

Hope every one of you have a great week!

MORE BULLSHIT

This is the bullshit we deal with day in and day out .. LOL

Shawn Lepper June 19 at 12:55pm Report
since i cant post on your page im going to send this to you


THIS IS FUNNY FROM SOMEONE THAT WALKED OUT ON THERE KIDS TO BECOME A SLUT AND A DRUGGIE AND AN ACHOHOLIC! NOW YOU WANT TO BE MOMMIE IF THE YEAR GUESS WHAT GET OVER YOURSELF! YOUR DAUGHTER AT LEAST FOLLOWED IN HER MOTHERS FOOT STEPS VERY WELL! GIVE IT TIME TIL SHE WALKS OUT ON THE KIDS TOO!

Diamond Flow June 19 at 2:54pm
only one person has ever walked out on those kids .. you .. over and over .. moving in and outta the house.. lying .. cheating .. breaking Cole's heart over and over while he continues to give you chance after chance to be the father he wants and needs .. better idea is that you get over yourself .. all you are going to do is hurt another good woman and her girls after they get attached to you .. take a good long look at yourself Shawn ..

Shawn Lepper June 19 at 4:48pm Report
So now flappy is innocent right you really are a tool
Sent via Facebook Mobile

Diamond Flow June 19 at 7:51pm
hoping i'm a power tool *snort* and btw, who the fuck is "flappy"

He also posted on his page that he wasgetting his boys for Father's Day and riled peeps up over a complete and total lie .. he has scheduled visitation with them tomorrow specifically because it is Father's Day.

Seriously he is crazier than a shit house rat on meth!!

On the other hand, I had a great time with Cole and Meaghan. They both spent the night last night and today we went swimming :)) Then decorated some frames for pictures and got them hung .. they are wonderful children .. I am blessed by my grands!!

Friday I had my epidural and damn I am sore .. hopefully it will help .. sooooo any takers for the thorazine today?

RANDOMNESS!!

For all my faithful readers(I'm falling on the floor laughing jest looking at that) you should know that I love adore and LOVE Carrie!! Her newest "Undo It" I have been singing it almost continuously from the first time I heard it!!!! It even replaced "Gunpowder and Lead" from Miranda and that is saying something!

Okaaaay, there are soooooo many things I could pick as my bitch of the day:

1. The pool at the Y was closed due to somebody having an accident (I DID NOT ASK!!) so water aerobics were freaking cancelled!!

2. In my Yahoo news there were way too many stories that were plain ass silly, BUT the one about the $44,000 mattresses that are being sold now .. I had to takes drugs to calm myself from that one!! WTF, wasn't long ago in the midWest where that would buy you adecent house. Seriously Now!!!! Who buys those .. even billionaires are cutting back these days.

3. Anybody who really knows me went through everything with me last November, so I sure it comes as no surprise that Shawn is still moving in and out on KT .. and of course, it is still messing my Cole up!! The only good thing coming out of it is that KT has FINALLY made an appt for counselling .. also Cole actually talks about his feelings now .. I am hoping that the last time IS the last time she allows him to do this!

4. My poor Mary .. she works her ass off to give Meaghan a good life, but she is getting burned out at Dispatch. You can only do that for so long before it starts eating away at you :( She is looking for another job but it will mean a major pay cut.

There more I could go on about but then everybody would need Thorazine!! I am feeling a bit guilty because I feel sorry for Shawn's newest victim but not as guilt as I should because if he is busy ruining her life, that means KT is getting a break. I will leave you with a little something I wrote:

FLASH FICTION TIME AGAIN --

It was either a pill or a piece of candy. She had fooled him once before. Joshua knew it was a sick kind of game she was playing with him. The last time, it had turned out to be one of her pills. She had waited until the very last minute to call for help. He remembered well the big white van that had come for him. The kind men, the flashing light, the loud siren.


The people at the big building though, they had seemed nice at first, but then they poked him and prodded him and made him drink the terrible tasting stuff. It made him throw up. He didn't like that. He didn't want to have to do that again. But what if it was candy. He could almost taste the sweetness. She never let him have candy. She rarely let him have food. She said he was a dirty boy. She said he ruined his life.


Then he got to thinking about how nice it was in the big building after he threw up. They gave him a room with a clean bed. They fed him good meals. Did it really matter after all if it was candy or a pill? He reached out and popped in his mouth.

AMERICA'S GOT TALENT????

Tonight was the first time I ever watched this show and I get it.. the purpose of the show is to ridicule and humiliate the contestants!~ It has to be because I saw them send on a guy who put a basketball on top of some glasses and then stand on his head on top of the whole thing ... BUT they passed .. assholes .. on a little girl who had one of the best voices I have ever heard!!

Last night water aerobics was off the hook .. I truly believe she is trying to kill us. BUT no matter how badly it hurt today, I refuse to give up .. I went to the gym and did 40 minutes on the treadmill and 45 minutes weight training .. Friday morning I'm getting an epidural at the Pain Clinic and hopefully the doc will write scripts that I CAN fill .. the last three I couldn't because they needed to be preauthorized and the doc who wrote them, and who does my steroid injections, is on vacation until the 28th .. health care in this country sucks!!

KT and Heather took Bella out todayto play in the water and wander among wild flowers.. that is KT and my BellaB in the photo .. aren't they gorgeous!!!!

Wandering off for the thorazine *snort giggle giggle snort*

A LIL OF THIS AND A LIL OF THAT

Friday Meaghan was here as usual and we had a great evening because Bella was here as well .. she is such a cutie .. has learned to say "thank you" "no no no no" all the while shaking her head yes (LOL!) "i do it" and when I am on FB "cow go now!" meaning she wants to see the Farmville game. Anyway, the three of us went swimming at the Y. Bella HATES LOATHES and DESPISES the water at the beach, soKT wished me good luck when I mentioned the swimming idea, but Bella laughed and splashed and had a great time. That was Friday night!!

Sunday, KT came with Noah and Bella so we could go swimming .. this time, Bella did not have as much fun .. seriously, i think she just didn't want her mother to think she was having any fun .. she cried and carried on .. but Noah had a complete blast!! KT also cooked a kick ass dinner . beef stroganoff and brownies (with Noah's help) for a bunch of us .. I had a good time and I have no doubt that everybody else did too!!

Today, when I went to the gym, I added in weight training along with cardio .. so 20 minutes on the tread mill, followed my 30 minutes weights, ending with another 25 minuteson the tread mill .. I was exhausted when i got home .. but I did FINALLY get my act together and get all my laundry done tonight.

FLASH FICTION

"In the purple and gray morning..."

Such an innocent line but so fraught with meaning now. That's what I'm thinking as I stand here in the early morning mist. You said those exact words to me once. They were going to be the opening words to your great American novel.

We were standing right here in this spot. So young, so innocent, so damn poor. So very much in love. Scrabbling for every bite we had to eat. Scratching and scrambling to keep a roof over our heads. I remember crying because a man such as you, talented and brilliant, should never be treated the way you were.

No matter what though, through it all, we hung in there, dark days, living in the car, going hungry, living in shelters, and you always, always continued to write. You wrote on paper bags, napkins, take out menus you found on the streets. You never gave up on your dream. I wouldn't let you. It was going to be our ticket out. All we had to do was believe.

Then, finally, one day, the miracle. Christ on a cross, all those years, all the hardships, they were going to pay off. Our ship had come in. You were the success I always knew you were going to be. It was more than we could ever have hoped or even dreamed of. How, how could I never have seen it coming though? There were never any signs. When did it happen? Were you always such a miserly bastard? Was that your true persona and I just didn't see it?

One thing was obvious - I didn't waste my youth and my life not to enjoy the fruits of your talent. That was not going to happen, not in this lifetime or any other. You just had to go, and as everyone knows, if you want something done right, you do it yourself. You never even suspected a thing when I brought you back out here to the beginning, back to where it all began, did you?

I was so sure you would never agree to come back out here to this little meadow in the woods where you first said those words to me "In the purple and gray morning..."

So now here I stand, alone in the early morning mist. Well, not really alone, as I'm standing here with you. Unfortunately, for you that is, I'm standing on top of where you are buried, where you will spend all of eternity with your purple and gray mornings.

While I'm out spending your money that is. I only think that's appropriate.

FOLLOW THE LEADERS

I decided to start this blog playing follow the leader behind a couple of the girls. Pretty sure is will end up being the ramblings of a crazy old broad but that could be amusing right?

About me: I have been married twice .. worked out so well I will NEVER do that again. I have a number of grands -- Mary has Meaghan who is 11 and smart as a whip and waaay too well-behaved, gives me concerns about what she will be like at 14 or 15 -- KT has Cole who is also 11, born six weeks after Meg. He is a kind-hearted little boy but he has some emotional issues (later story). Then there is Noah, who is nine, a special gift, he is autistic, extremely bright, and very set in his ways, but so loving. Last, but most certainly not least is Bratzilla (Isabella). She is almost 18 months old, extremely full of life (read between the lines .. a spitfire) and everybody dotes on her! -- Addam has Kayla and Elijah .. I don't get to spend much time with them .. he and their mother split long ago .. but it is amazing how very much like her mother Kayla is.. and how much Elijah is like the little boy Addam was! Addam's on again off again fiancee also has three little girls .. Imani, Heaven and Eternity (Coco) who also call me grandma >3.

I am a Second Life addict .. I love to read .. and .. I write short stories etc. I will sharing a few with y'all as we go along. While you all are waiting, try some Prozac to keep ya calm .. LMFAO!!!!