STRENGTH

When I was about five my granda Curly climbed the stairs in their house, put a shotgun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. My mother, his oldest daughter, was the only one who cleaned up the mess he made. For the longest time, I thought she must have been the strongest woman in the world. I was wrong. When I was 22 she managed to finish the job she set out to do, she killed herself. Now I realize that she was weak all along. Strong woman do run in my family. My grandma Pete pulled herself up after her husband was gone and she was the woman who loved me the best. My oldest daughter was an MP in the Army, while also working a second job, working on her degree and raising her daughter 1000's of miles from home. My youngest daughter was a best advocate my autistic grandson could ever had. My daughter-in-law has raised three wonderful girls who are confident and secure. They all have backstorys that are their's to tell. The strongest woman I have ever known was Cindy Leonard. When she lost her son to an overdose, she pulled herself up and continue to live for her daughter. Wnen she lost her daughter to another overdose, you would think it was too much to bear, but not her. She was always friendly and happy just to be. Even when her breast cancer was diagnosed, she stared it in the face and said "FUCK YOU!" She fought again with everything she had when the cancer returned in her bones. I have nothing but admiration and love for her and will always tell Bratzilla stories of her Nana Cindy.

WTF!!

One o'clock in the afternoon ..I saw this commercial kids playing outside in the sun .. so now I am sitting here crying .. WHY CAN'T I HAVE MEMORIES LIKE THAT!!

Yesterday I was looking through old photos and now it occurs to me that if my children don't have those memories, it is all my fault. I had a man who loved me and children who, while that weren't perfect, were perfect enough for me!!

Self-realization fucking bites!!!!!!

RAMBLINGS

I had Bella overnight last night .. she brightens my life makes me crazy at the same damn time. We got up at 4 AM this morning .. we did the Hot Dog dance with Mickey and Friends .. and we have long involved conversations where I generally have no idea what we are talking about but she seems very happy .. nough said :))

I'm not sure if it is the weather or the rain or the coming birthdays and the holiday season, but I am feeling very alone. Pisses me off that I keep having these pity parties. I stopped apologizing for all of my mistakes long ago.

Lately I have been watching Rosanne reruns .. sent me back to the days where everybody spent days and days telling me that that was how they imagined my parenting style.

Lately my thoughts have also turned toward the fact that people stay where they are not happy or even running back to the same old same old .. I will never understand it. Rationally I realize that it is the safe and secure and the fear of the unknown.

Like I said .. utter random thoughts tonight

MY PITY PARTY

There have been some wonderful things lately .. Bella has been here (she is soooo funny) .. Meg has been here (school has started 7th grade and she still loves it).. Y poolKayla and Elijah spent a night with me (we went to the Y pool and had a great time).. Cole and Noah are coming tomorrow night and we are going to the Fall Fest on the Square Saturday .. but .. and it is a huge but ...

They cannot seem to get my pain meds right .. every morning when I try to get out of bed I almost have to crawl and the pai is intense .. the past couple of weeks, my left arm and hand have hurt almost all the time and now it is affecting my right hand .. starting to frighten me a little .. my body itches almost constantly supposedly a manifestation of pain .. and I am exhausted, falling asleep at the drop of a hat .. ok I know .. time to put on my big girl underwear!!

It is affecting my life .. I have barely spoken to my very dear friend Tina and I want to correct that but I need to feel better :(

Another thing is, even though I have all the kids etc., I never thought I would be alone at this time in my life .. I always thought I would be with someone who I could sit with in comfortable silence, having family dinners and holidays, or going places and exploring .. there are soooo many damn things I would take back and change if I could ...

thinking I might be the only oe who would benefit from the thorazine now .. laters all

UTTER RANDOMNESS

Let's see -- I watched "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" .. was seriously disappointed, the movie was no were near as funny as the television trailers. Actually, the clips the showed for the movie WERE the only funny parts!

Next up was "Dear John" -- I can't say I loved the movie, but I enjoyed it. At one point I was very sure the ending would be predictable -- I was pleasantly surprised at the twist.

OK and here it is, the hands down winner -- "Brothers" .. this movie was utterly and completely compelling!!! I don't want to spoil it for anybody but I will tell you that this is a movie you do not want to miss!!!!!!

KT and Cole stopped on Monday -- he needed a hat he had left here .. when I went downstairs to bring the hat to him, he grabbed me and hugged me like he wasn't gooing to let go. That reminded me all over again how blessed I truly am. I won't say much for, because some people who read this blog don't need to know, but both of them were upbeat and happy!

Yesterday I had my second epidural for pain management .. I was pretty wiped after that and didn't do muchof anything. I'm still sorer than hell today but it is easing up.

Addison and Abigail FINALLY came home today for good. They are having a cook out over there to celebrate .. I couldn't make it but really am hoping to get over there tomorrow. WELCOME HOME GIRLS!!!!!!

Yesterday there was a storm that came through and caused a huge amount of damage in the county -- including virtually destroying the Can Am Speedway .. that is where Gretchen Wilson and others are supposed to be playing in a couple weeks.

Meaghan has been staying with me quite a bit. She is a joy to have around and so creative and bright. I'm hoping that Cole and Noah will be over here soon too. I CANNOT wait for Bella to come home and that I can hang with her as well!!

Well I hope none of you need Thorazine to get through this post .. I know it is pretty boring! KISSES

MEA CULPA

I start right off by apologizing for my lack of posts .. I will make it up, I will!!

Let's jump right in to the second night of the dance recital .. it was amazing!! Meaghan's group did a kick ass routine to a song about bowling .. they were dressed in these costumes that included old style bowling shirts .. it was wonderful. Bella went with me and really enjoyed the show .. after Meg finished and the curtain closed, she cried because her "May May" was gone.

I went down to Boston again with Mary and Meaghan .. went to the Bunker Hill Monument .. couldn't climb the tower, it was closed for renovations . WAH!! We also went to the Cheesecake Factory (50+ kinds!!) and then to ICA (museum) for a very interesting exhibit by a Mexican tattoo artist ... his work was amazing!!!!

The next morning we went out on another whale watch. The weather was beautiful out on the water and did we finally see whales .. oh hell yeah we did. There were 6 or 7 humpback whales all around the boat and diving and swimming under it .. but the most wonderful thing was the calf that surfaced and spouted about 12 feet from where I was standing on the boat!!!!

Bella is away for the month with her father and I really miss her .. she destroys my place when she comes, but that is a small price to pay for all the joy she brings with her!! KT's car has been down so I haven't seen Cole or Noah in about two weeks .. I really miss my convos with Cole and Noah is so kind and loving, they are both a joy to have around.

Lately things are not that good .. I am having a lot of pain, I am way way tired, and the past couple of days, I am finding myself teary eyed and sad. Have no idea what is wrong or why I mn feeling so ineffably sad lately .. at least the pain part may be better after my next appointment at the Pain Clinic.

Thinking that MAYBE I'm the one in need of more Thorazine :(

DANCE DANCE DANCE

"Dancing with the feet is one thing but dancing with the heart is another."

I went to the first night of Meaghan's dance recital tonight. My thoughts varied from moment to moment.

You're never to old to dance and to dream .. that was never more apparent than tonight .. she was at least 65 .. she danced to "We've Got Money" .. was cheered on by her fellow Redhatters .. shook it like she was 24 and was sooooo obviously having the time of her life!!

On the other end of the spectrum were Alexis and Emma .. couldn't have been more than 4 or 5 .. they were adorable!! They also took me back to what I would swear was yesterday when Meg was up on the stage at that same age!

Lawd, where has the time gone. Tonight was she doing her own make up .. was composed and confident on stage .. she i a young lady and a child all at the same time. She already danceswith the Competition Troupe and the travel all over the state and win consistently!!

Her group, of three, including a nice young man who seems to be quite taken by her (LOL), which I will never tell her I noticed, danced to New Shoes and then a bit later to Shake Your Booty. She was kick ass fanfuckintastic!! I am so proud of her .. I love you Meaghan!!!!